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What's the worst joke you've ever heard?

Discussion in 'Joke Forum' started by CuteFunnyMan, Oct 8, 2010.

  1. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    My wife and I saw a marriage therapist recently. She asked me if I had ever said anything to my wife that I truly regretted.

    I said yes: "I DO."

    Great, now I have two women mad at me, and I'm paying for both of them...
     
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  2. Gladman

    Gladman Well-Known Member

    A lady was in front of the judge on a domestic abuse charge because she beat her husband with his guitars.

    The judge asked her "First offender?"

    She says " No. First it was a Gibson, then it was a Fender.":pie:
     
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  3. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    Recently, in my math class at college we have been going over problem solving by looking for patterns. The teacher put a number sequence on the board and asked us to figure out the next few numbers. Of course it was not easy to spot the pattern at first.

    The solution was to double the previous number in the sequence and then subtract a number that also doubled each step of the sequence.

    When the teacher asked if there were any questions, I asked "So who's the bus driver??"
     
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  4. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    A young man said to his girl friends obstetrician... "Tell me the truth Doc, How long do I have before I have to leave town?"
     
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  5. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    The response to the statement: "We're here to observe the local flora and fauna."

    "I'm not sure about fauna, but Flora moved about ten years ago."

    (Bonus points if you get he reference!!)
     
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  6. Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft)

    Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft) Old Bucket Spitter

    I think this is a lovely little joke and doesn't really deserve to be on this thread, (given it's title), except I like this thread too. So,

    What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

    A shoe.
     
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  7. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    While I was out entertaining the other day, a little boy asked me "Are you really a clown??"

    I responded "I certainly hope so, otherwise a wasted an hour putting all this make up on."
     
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  8. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    The clothes, though, those I wear everyday.
     
  9. Gladman

    Gladman Well-Known Member

    A three-legged dog walked into a bar...said I'm looking for the person who shot my pa....:pie:
     
  10. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    My dog saw a sign that said WET PAINT and he did.
     
  11. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.
     
  12. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    This one used to kill in 3rd grade, so here goes nothing...

    Sally's mother noticed that Sally often came home after school with candy or other assorted treats, and wondered where she had gotten them. So she asked Sally.

    "Well," said Salley, "the boys at school each give me a nickel to climb the flag pole whenever I wear a dress."

    "Sally!!" Her mother exclaimed. "They only do that so they can see your underwear."

    "Oh, I know." Said Sally. "That's why I don't wear any underwear."
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2015
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  13. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    Happy Thanksgiving!!!

    I shot my first turkey today. It scared hell out of everyone in the frozen food section of the market.
     
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  14. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    One day a man walked up to a bridge and prepared to jump off. Someone walked up to him and asked him why he was going to jump.

    "I'm a news reporter and there's no more news to report. So I decided I'll jump off the bridge."

    The other man was sad, and said "Hey, I'm a prize fighter and their are no more prizes to fight for. So, I may as well join you."

    As they prepared to jump a man came up to them and asked what they are doing.

    The reporter said "I'm a news reporter and there's no more news to report. So I decided I'll jump off the bridge."

    The prize fighter said "I'm a prize fighter and their are no more prizes to fight for. So, I'm jumping too."

    The man was sad and said "I'm a pan handler and their are no more pan's to handle. So, I may as well join you."

    As they prepared to jump a woman came up to them and asked what they are doing.

    The reporter said "I'm a news reporter and there's no more news to report. So I decided I'll jump off the bridge."

    The prize fighter said "I'm a prize fighter and their are no more prizes to fight for. So, I'm jumping too."

    The man said "I'm a pan handler and their are no more pan's to handle. And I'm jumping."

    The woman was sad and said "I'm a home maker, and their are no more homes to make. I'm going to jump along with you guys."

    As they prepared to jump a man came up to them and asked what they are doing.

    The reporter said "I'm a news reporter and there's no more news to report. So I decided I'll jump off the bridge."

    The prize fighter said "I'm a prize fighter and their are no more prizes to fight for. So, I'm jumping too."

    The pan handler said "I'm a pan handler and their are no more pan's to handle. And I'm jumping."

    The home maker said "I'm a home maker, and their are no more homes to make. That's why I'm jumping."

    The man was sad and said "I'm an animal trainer, and there are no more animals to train. I might as well jump with you guys."

    As they prepared to jump a woman came up to them and asked what they are doing.

    The reporter said "I'm a news reporter and there's no more news to report. So I decided I'll jump off the bridge."

    The prize fighter said "I'm a prize fighter and their are no more prizes to fight for. So, I'm jumping too."

    The pan handler said "I'm a pan handler and their are no more pan's to handle. And I'm jumping."

    The home maker said "I'm a home maker, and their are no more homes to make. That's why I'm jumping."

    The man was sad and said "I'm an animal trainer, and there are no more animals to train. I'm going to jump with them."

    The woman was sad and said "Well, I practice medicine, and there is no more medicine to practice. I think I'll jump off the bridge with you guys."

    As they prepared to jump a man came up to them and asked what they are doing.

    The reporter said "I'm a news reporter and there's no more news to report. So I decided I'll jump off the bridge."

    The prize fighter said "I'm a prize fighter and their are no more prizes to fight for. So, I'm jumping too."

    The pan handler said "I'm a pan handler and their are no more pan's to handle. And I'm jumping."

    The home maker said "I'm a home maker, and their are no more homes to make. That's why I'm jumping."

    The animal trainer said "I'm an animal trainer, and there are no more animals to train. I'm going to jump with them."

    The woman practicing medicine said "I practice medicine, and there is no more medicine to practice. So, yeah, I'm jumping."

    The man was sad and said "I'm a production engineer, and their are no more productions to engineer. Hhmmm, jumping with you seems like a good idea."

    As they prepared to jump a man came up to them and asked what they are doing.

    The reporter said "I'm a news reporter and there's no more news to report. So I decided I'll jump off the bridge."

    The prize fighter said "I'm a prize fighter and their are no more prizes to fight for. So, I'm jumping too."

    The pan handler said "I'm a pan handler and their are no more pan's to handle. And I'm jumping."

    The home maker said "I'm a home maker, and their are no more homes to make. That's why I'm jumping."

    The animal trainer said "I'm an animal trainer, and there are no more animals to train. I'm going to jump with them."

    The woman practicing medicine said "I practice medicine, and there is no more medicine to practice. So, yeah, I'm jumping."

    The production engineer said "I'm a production engineer, and their are no more productions to engineer. Jumping seems like a good idea."

    The man was sad and said "I'm a brick layer, and their are no more bricks to be laid. Count me in on the jump."

    As they prepared to jump, yet another man walked up and asked what's going on.

    The reporter said "I'm a news reporter and there's no more news to report. So I decided I'll jump off the bridge."

    The prize fighter said "I'm a prize fighter and their are no more prizes to fight for. So, I'm jumping too."

    The pan handler said "I'm a pan handler and their are no more pan's to handle. And I'm jumping."

    The home maker said "I'm a home maker, and their are no more homes to make. That's why I'm jumping."

    The animal trainer said "I'm an animal trainer, and there are no more animals to train. I'm going to jump with them."

    The woman practicing medicine said "I practice medicine, and there is no more medicine to practice. So, yeah, I'm jumping."

    The production engineer said "I'm a production engineer, and their are no more productions to engineer. Jumping seems like a good idea."

    The man was sad and said "I'm a brick layer, and their are no more bricks to be laid. So, why not jump."

    The new man thought for a moment and said. "I'm a pipe fitter, and there are no more pipes to fit. What's the point; I may as well jump, too."

    They prepared to jump, held hands and counted "One... Two... Three!!!" And jumped.

    At the last moment the news reporter let go of the other peoples hands and watched as they plunged off the bridge. "Wow!!" he said. "Seven people jumped off bridge to their deaths. Now that's news that can be reported!!"
     
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  15. tim

    tim Have red nose, will travel

    Ok, not a bad joke (well, maybe...sorta) but I think that last joke could, effectively, be turned into a sort of bad joke sketch, perhaps for performance, such as at one of those, well, bad joke clown skit contests.

    But, here's how I'd change it.....

    A final man stumbles upon the scene and asks what's going on here. After they each stammer through their reason for ending it all, he says, "Hmmm....well, I'm a personal injury attorney, and...."

    At which, the group in unison groans, "UGH!" And they all together jump.

    The lawyer watches them go over the front of the stage, falling to the ground and playing dead. He peers over, astonished and almost in disbelief at what he just observed. Then (to the audience) excitedly shouts, "WHAT A CASE!!!!!"
     
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  16. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    A woman decided to end it all. She took her husbands gun shot herself in the breast and blew her knee cap off!

    Uncle Miltie
     
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  17. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    The other day my wife and I were shopping at Wal-Mart and she asked me where the crackers were...
     
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2015
  18. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    When I was in grade school my teacher asked me to recite President Lincolns Gettysburg Address. Stood and said: "35 Carlisle Street Gettysburg, Pennsylvania."
     
  19. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    Another time my teacher asked if I knew the names of any of the four seasons. I said: "Frankie Vallie."
     
  20. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    My teacher got my mad at me so I asked if parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme, would have been a better answer.
     

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