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Library Jokes

Discussion in 'Joke Forum' started by Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft), Oct 10, 2014.

  1. Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft)

    Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft) Old Bucket Spitter

    I just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy.

    Our new librarian is very polite. I think she is Italian.
    I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
    So I thanked her and walked out.

    A man walked into a library and asks for a book on cliffhangers the librarian says "...........

    A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms.
    So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.

    Man goes into a library and asks for a book about French War Heroes.
    The librarian tells him to try the fiction section.

    An American walked into a library and asks for a book about wars.
    The librarian tells him, "No, you'll only loose it".

    I wrote a book on penguins. With hindsight, I realise that paper would have been easier.

    I'm going to write a step by step guide to falling down stairs.

    A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?"
    The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."

    I've just published a book on DIY. It's blank and comes with a free pen.

    I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: "Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?"

    A man walks into a library and asks for a book on back ache.
    The librarian says, "It's the one with a broken spine".

    A library walks into a man and dyslexia for a book on asks..

    Why burn one religious book and cause a problem when we can burn every religious book and solve one. (Actually, that's not a joke, more a solution).

    I've written a book called, "101 Ways To Revive The High Street".
    It's available on Kindle from Monday.
     
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  2. Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft)

    Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft) Old Bucket Spitter

    A Joan Rivers fan went into a library and asked for a book on Spiritualism.
    The librarian says, "No, you might bring her back".

    A man walks into library & asks if they have any books on coincidences. The librarian says, "As a matter of fact, this one's just arrived."

    Stevie Wonder walks into a library and says "Honey, I'm home!"

    Naomi Campbell walks into a library and asks for a blood diamond.
    "Sorry, dear, you're asking the wrong person - you need a Liberian."

    A man walks into a library and says, "I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology."

    A chicken walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian asks, "What do you want that for?" The chicken replies, "To get to the other side."

    A man walks into a library and asks for a book on tides.
    The librarian says, "I'm sorry sir, that's just gone out".

    I'm going to publish a book on noise in 20 volumes.
     
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  3. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    Can we please get the "Laugh" button fixed???
     
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  4. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    Oh, Barry, more jokes I'm going to have to steal...
     
  5. Sir Toony Van Dukes

    Sir Toony Van Dukes Well-Known Member

    I thought libraries were quiet spaces but have you seen the volumes of books on rock music.
     
  6. Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft)

    Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft) Old Bucket Spitter

    I read a book about anti-gravity. I couldn't put it down.

    I'm going to write a book about my favourite place to keep wine. It'll be a best seller.

    A book dropped on my head. I only have my shelf to blame.

    Never judge a book by its cover. Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

    According to the Holy Bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.

    P.S.

    Credit where credit due. The joke, "A man walks into a library and asks for a book on backache. The librarian says, "It's the one with a broken spine", was written by my mother.
     
  7. Sir Toony Van Dukes

    Sir Toony Van Dukes Well-Known Member

    Q: What happens when you cross a librarian and a lawyer?
    A: You get all the information you want, but you can't understand it.
     
  8. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    Perhaps you should let your Mother write more jokes, Barry...
     
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  9. Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft)

    Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft) Old Bucket Spitter

    Hiya Mum, could you write another joke please?

    A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "No, I've reserved that just in case Pookie walks in".

    Thank you Mum, love you xx.
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2014
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  10. Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft)

    Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft) Old Bucket Spitter

    My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for Christmas. I can't find the words to thank her.

    I'm going to write a book on lubricants. It'll be kept in the non friction section.

    What has a spine but no bones? A book.

    Have you read the new book on Leo Tolstoy by Warren Peace?

    What's the shortest book in the world? The Guide to Good American Beer.

    A blonde walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
    She replies, "Sorry, this is a library."
    The blonde whispers, "Oh, sorry. May I have a burger and fries?"
     
  11. Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft)

    Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft) Old Bucket Spitter

    Other small books.

    Gourmet Cuisine With Tofu.

    A Guide to Arab Democracy.

    1000 Years of German Humor.

    The Australian Book of Foreplay.

    The Royal Family’s Guide to Good Marriages.

    Countries Competing In The World Series.

    Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity.
     
  12. Sir Toony Van Dukes

    Sir Toony Van Dukes Well-Known Member

    Have you read the book on robots by Anne Droid?

    It is almost as good as the book on cloning by Irma Dubble II.

    And if you want to branch out in a different direction, check out Falling Trees by Tim Burr.
     
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  13. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    You are a sweetheart, Barry. Thank you for the laugh. May God truly bless you.
     
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  14. Simply Knute

    Simply Knute Well-Known Member

    I think that may possibly be the absolute worst way that you could wish Barry Daft well... :)
     
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  15. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    Yeah... ??
     
  16. Milky Manna

    Milky Manna New Member

    What happened to that guy who vandalized the library?
    They threw the book at him.

    Will you kids put those books back in their proper place?
    Dewey have to?

    What's a card catalog?
    another term for obsolete.
    or (damn. I feel old.)

    Why does everyone love librarians?
    they're book-cocky.
     
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  17. Pookie

    Pookie Well-Known Member

    How do you confuse a U.S. Marine??

    Send him into a library and tell him to read a book!
     
  18. Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft)

    Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft) Old Bucket Spitter

    "Do you have any authors that write dinosaur erotica?" I asked the librarian.

    "You could try Sarah Topps," she said.

    I've just published a book on preserving the Rain Forest and what we can do as a human race to help protect it.
    It's over 2000 pages long.
     
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