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bar jokes

Discussion in 'Political Jokes' started by Gladman, Jan 15, 2012.

  1. Special K'z

    Special K'z Well-Known Member

    So they mixed up the letters in hotel and added a Br at the beginning correct?
    Sara K.
     
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  2. Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft)

    Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft) Old Bucket Spitter

    I went to the exact same hotel with the mixed up letters and a Br at the beginning and the girl said, "We don't do clowns here, beat it".
     
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  3. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    Whats the easiest way to get lung cancer in Paris?

    Breathe the air.
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2012
  4. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    "True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey, I don't know."

    P. J. O'Rourke
     
  5. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    Two beer or not two beer.

    Shakesbeer.
     
  6. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    Two weasels are sitting in a pub having a beer. One turns to the other and says "I've slept with your mother."
    The bar became very quiet in anticipation of what was about to happen. Once again, only louder, "I'VE SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
    The other weasel turns slowly and says, "Go home dad you're drunk."
     
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  7. Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft)

    Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft) Old Bucket Spitter

    Pop goes the weasel..... Just one more enjoyable game that can be played with a microwave oven.
     
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  8. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    "I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I stay in the bar."

    Bob Hope
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2012
  9. Gladman

    Gladman Well-Known Member

    A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer from the big, burly bartender. As he's drinking his beer, he notices there's a big gallon jar stuffed full of money placed prominently with all the liquor bottles. Curiosity gets the best of him, and he asks the bartender "What's up with that jar of money". The bartender says "It's a bet, for $10, if you can squeeze another drop of juice from a lemon after I'm done with it, the money in the jar is yours"
    So he give the bartender the $10 entry fee, the bartender squeezes a lemon until he couldn't get another drop out of it, and hands it to the man. By now a crowd had gathered to see this. The man clenches his fist, squeezes, and gets another 3 drops of juice from the lemon, thus winning the pot. He was then asked what he did for a living. He said "Oh, I work for the IRS":cry:
     
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  10. Gladman

    Gladman Well-Known Member

    I was in the "Texas Rose" tavern last night, at the bar waiting for a beer,
    when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.
    She said, “Hey sexy, I dig old guys -- how about giving me your number.”
    I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen?”
    She said, “ I sure do."
    I said, “ Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”
    My dental surgery is on Monday. :???::cool:
     
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  11. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    A guy goes into a bar and orders a martini with an olive. Two minutes later another. After about a dozen the bartender asks the guy, "Don't you think the little woman will be upset?"

    "Nope. She's the one who sent me out for a jar of olive's."
     
  12. Gladman

    Gladman Well-Known Member

    A guy walks into a bar and when the bouncer won't let him in the guy asks, 'Why not?"

    "Because you're not wearing a tie," says the bouncer.

    "But I have come all the way from the other end of town," says the guy.

    "Sorry buddy, that's the rules," says the bouncer.

    So the guy goes back to his car to try and see if he can find a tie or something like one. He finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around himself, and goes back to the club.

    "Is this all right?" he asks the bouncer.

    "Well, all right then," replies the bouncer. "But I'll be watching you -

    don't start anything!" :pie:
     
  13. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    A woman walks into a bar and marched right over to her husband, who was feeling no pain as he sat there on a barstool. The woman took a sip of the booze he'd been drinking and spat it out in disgust. "It tastes awful" she said.
    The man answered, " And you think I'm having a good time here every day!"
     
  14. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    One bar had a sign up over the register that read, " If you are drinking to forget, please pay in advance."
     
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  15. Gladman

    Gladman Well-Known Member

    Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a little snort, they talk about their moonshine operation.
    Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating some peanuts, begins to cough.
    After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
    The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
    The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
    The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
    The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
     
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  16. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    A guy walks in to a bar and sits down. From the back a horse walks in ties on an apron and asks the guy what he wants to drink. The guy just stares, The horse asks the guy, "whats the matter, haven't you ever seen a horse before?" The guy replies, "Well yeah... but I just didn't think the cow would sell the place."
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2015
  17. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    A topless bar featured a lady ventriloquist. Nobody saw her lips move.
     
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  18. Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft)

    Barry Daft (Mr. B. Daft) Old Bucket Spitter

    They say "Pride cometh before a fall". But in my experience, it's always been beer.
     
  19. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    Went bar hopping on my birthday. When I got home I lit the candles on my cake with one breath.
     
  20. Grandpa Weatherbie

    Grandpa Weatherbie Well-Known Member

    Went bar hopping in Dublin and got a Yeats Infection...
    fol de rol, fol de rol...
     

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