Discussion in 'Political Jokes' started by Gladman, Jan 15, 2012.
So this clown walks into a bar. Ouch! No sound effects. :cry:
Whatever you do in life it pays to raise the bar.
Same clown walks into a bar. Ouch! Gees you thought he would have ducked since he knew there was a bar there.
Duck walks into a bar. Clown sees duck. Now clown and duck both quack up.
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar and the Bartenders says "what is this, a Joke?"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet giraffe... the giraffe settles in the corner to take a nap while the guy orders a drink. The bartender looks into the corner, does a double-take, and asks "What's that lyin' there?" to which the guy responds "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"
Two peanuts walk into a bar in the seedy part of town. They were assaulted.
A string walked into a bar on her way back from getting all done up at the beauty parlor. Bartenter says, " Hey, aren't you a string? We don't serve strings here."
String replied, "I'm afraid not."
(for you literalists, "I'm a frayed knot.")ie::splatter:
Two musicians walked into a bar in the CD part of town.................
I like these kind of jokes where there is dozens of them all running on a similar theme or formula. Rather than just tell one joke, you can string them together and create a story with some kind of logic to it. I do it particularly with “Cannibal Jokes”, where it is just one punch line after the other. I can’t share that particular routine with you, it starts off with “Two cannibals eating a clown” but gets progressively more twisted and perverse. You could also try it with “Blonde Jokes”, and because there are so many, it is easy to tailor your routine for your particular audience.
While remembering one joke at a time is sometimes difficult, stringing them together into little monologues. With a logic and progression running through them, makes them much easier to remember. I put together this little thing last night and performed it at work today for my colleagues.
Three men walked into a bar, Paddy an Irishman, Jock from Scotland and Abdul Awwal Muhammad, an English man. They didn’t invite the Welshman because he was busy conducting scientific experiments inserting human DNA into a sheep. People started patting their backsides. Paddy yells at the barman, “What sort of place is this?” The barman replies, “A tapas bar.”. So they left and went to the next bar, Paddy says, “I’ll have a double.” So the barman brings out a guy who looked just like him. Jock says, “I’ll have something tall, icy and full of gin.” So the barman turned to his wife and said, “Hilda, there’s someone here to see you.” Jock took one look at Hilda and changed his mind, he said, “Actually, I think I might prefer a double entendre.” So the barman gave him one. Abdul Awwal Muhammad said, “And I would like half a coke.” The barman said, “OK”. Just then, a man walks into a pub does a triple back flip onto a chair then cartwheels over to the bar and orders a pint of bitter. Jock says to the barman, “Wow, that was unusual.” The barman replies, “I thought that too, he usually drinks lager.”.
Jock says, “Y'ken, I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
“Well,” said Abdul Awwal Muhammad, “At my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
“Ahhh, that's nuttin,” said Paddy. “Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
“Wow,” said Jock and Abdul, “did this actually happen to you?”
“Not me, myself, personally, no,” said Paddy, “but it happened to me sister!”
An Irish man walked out of a bar.
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
She screamed. "Why you worthless , insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!"
"Funny." he muttered, "You sound exactly like her too."
I think I knew that Irish man, must say he was a pretty serious drunk too and I think
that was his wife in the bar speaking unkindly of him, his vision was a bit off at that time.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and is stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priests breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir have you been drinking?"
"Just water." says the priest.
The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! he's done it again!"
A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. speak up!"
"May I please have a drink?"
"What? You have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."
"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse." :clowncar::music:
lady says TARBENDER bring me another Martoni I gots the heartburn
he replies no you've obviously had too much to drink!
its BARTENDER not TARBENDER
its Martini NOR Martoni
and if you get your boob outta the ashtray you wouldnt have the heartburn
I love it, Pinkie Bee. Boob in the ashtray...you just made my day.
i don't cause i'm not old enough
For Irish husbands only . . .
Recently at an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled, “Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.ie:
Separate names with a comma.